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Quotes by Woody Allen

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker

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"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

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"I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, [and] receives new truth as an angel from Heaven."

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"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

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"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."

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"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."

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"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

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"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?"

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"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

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"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

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"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

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