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Quotes by Jack Handey Page: 1 2
 
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
Music      Email to a Friend
 
"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."
Money      Email to a Friend
 
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."
Money      Email to a Friend
 
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."
Money      Email to a Friend
 
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"
Money      Email to a Friend
 
"I'd rather be rich than stupid."
Stupidity      Email to a Friend
 
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"
Stupidity      Email to a Friend
 
"If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought WE won!'"
Peace      Email to a Friend
 
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."
Peace      Email to a Friend
 
"If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin."
Strength      Email to a Friend
 
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
Strength      Email to a Friend
 
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
Time      Email to a Friend
 
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
Humor      Email to a Friend
 
"Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?"
Humor      Email to a Friend
 
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
Humor      Email to a Friend
 
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