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"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
jack handey
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"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."
jack handey
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"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."
jack handey
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"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."
jack handey
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"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"
jack handey
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"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"
jack handey
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"If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought WE won!'"
jack handey
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"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak."
jack handey
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"If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin."
jack handey
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"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
jack handey
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"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
jack handey
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