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Quotes by Henry Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

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My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back

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I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

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I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

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When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

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I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

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