Quotes by Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

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I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go into overload and blow up.

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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

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When humor goes, there goes civilization.

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I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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